Religions of the World

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Hard to not agree ... isn't it?

Holy Shit

I read


Love is like a brick.
You can build a house, 
or you can sink a dead body.
Lady Gaga, 22 May 2010


Traduction: 
L'amour est comme un brique.
Tu peux construire une maison,
ou tu peux couler un corps mort.


... therefore, I think!

Non mais ... c'est tu assez vrai.
Il n'y a pas grand chose qui peut faire autant be bonheur et détruire tout aussi vite.
OK, mettons peut être l'eau. LOL

Je dois faire court, journée de golf et un manque d'inspiration flagrant !
Pris de grandes décisions perso dernièrement qui payent ! on en reparle.
En espérant que le grand air va me faire retrouver la plume !

Where were you ?

I read


911


... therefore I think!

Bothell WA
In bed still sleeping ... got a phone call to tell me to turn on the TV ...
I was the misfortune to see the second tower being hit ... both of them collapsing ... awful.

Two days later I had to drive to the Canadian border to renew my working visa ... what a memory. So many people in their car waiting at customs ... I was devastated. I had left my house with nothing but a suitcase with all my important papers. I was not sure I would be granted a new visa, I did not know how long I would be gone for, but I knew life would never be the same. Turns out, I did the round trip in the same day ...

Ten years later, America is still frozen in time, in fear ...
They will never be the same again ... living in fear had never until then been a reality for Americans.

In memoriam of all of those that lost their lives on that day ...
In memoriam of all spirits that were lost on that day ...
For all people who are still suffering ...

As they say ... The Show must go on ...

Buzzing minds

I read

The carpet are so deep that I've never heard a footstep, but even at four in the morning you can feel the hum if five hundred minds are buzzing on every side of you: people dreaming, hoping, worrying, planning, thinking.

Faithful Place, Tana French

... therefore, I think!

Ever woke up in the middle of the night and you have the feeling you hear noise, but in fact what you hear is silence. Silence can be noisy!

Listening to Silence!

Oh, that can be hard. When you want to listen to nothing you mind keeps wanting to go everywhere. It thinks by itself! before you control your mind, you really need to train it to focus: you keep hearing the house cracking, the fridge, a pop that you cannot figure where it comes from but you make a mental note to check the faucet in the bathroom, the bed sheets, the bed frame, you can hear the electricity in the house.

It never stops.

Until you decide that you will focus on you. You want to hear something? Listen to your breathing, your stomach making gloo gloo, your blood running in your veins, your hair growing ... Ok maybe not! but the point if to focus on us, making abstraction of the outside world to just listen to nothing. Free your mind : your mind full of junk! The inbox is full.

Dreaming? I dream about what? F*?%$ ing work! Can we just disconnect for what few hours a day? Can I just free myself from "working" all the time? Yes, I can! Just need to put my mind into it and practice to do nothing ... and not feel guilty about.

On this, this weekend is Labor Day weekend and we do not work on Monday ...so ENJOY!!! and do nothing that you do not want to do! 

Have a nice day off!

Strong women

I read

I've always loved strong women, which is lucky for me because once you're over twenty-five there is no other kind. Women blow my mind, the stuff that routinely gets done to them would make most men curl up and die, but women turn to steel and keep on coming. Any man who claims he's not into strong women is fooling himself mindless: he's into strong women who know how to pout prettily and put on baby voices, and who will end up keeping his balls in their makeup bags.

Faithful Place, Tana French

... therefore, I think!

Now, I understand when we are told to be "sweet" ... it's only for the image that we project in order to get what we want !! ??? I have such a hard time with this game.

We hear that we cannot be too nice; to be nice is a quality. However, the problem starts when we are "always" nice or too sweet. Just as a survival instinct, a person sometimes needs to put her/his foot down and say it as it is.

To be frank/honest without being abrupt, to be understanding without being condescending, to be sexy without being vulgar, to be funny without being offensive that what we should all aim for. I hate, yes you read it, I hate people who play the nice card ... all the time. I find them to be phony. I just cannot trust them. Don't know why it is just so.

They say that you should not trust anyone, but some people are even less trusted than others because of their behaviors  You might immediately think of someone who is mean or surly, but in actuality, there are two specific types of personalities that people mistrust: the too nice and the too funny.

When a person is too nice, it immediately puts other on guard. What is it that they really want? What are their motivations for being nice? We can’t fathom that someone would be so nice for no reason, so we assume that there just has to be some type of ulterior motive behind their behavior.

A perception can be a deception.

That also reminds me of something I have heard on the teleseries Mad Men: Episode Nixon-Kennedy.

"I don't understand. I try to do my job, I follow the rules and people hate me. Innocent people get hurt and other people, people who are not good, get to walk around doing whatever they want. It's not fair."

Think about it, it is often the brown nosers, the Smithers of this world that get away with it ... for a while!

Personally, I favor being yourself ... just be and be happy.

Source: Jamie Brown

Happiness, every day.

I read

Le beurre d'érable, c'est comme l'insouciance fleurie de l'enfance en petit pot. Le bonheur extra tendre.
Mon Québec dans une valise.

Châtelaine, Mai 2011


I translate:
Maple butter is like a flowery carefreeness of childhood in a little jar. Happiness at it's best.

... therefore, I think!

Happiness!
For some it is just a fact of life, for others it always seems to be hard to find.
One day, a friend told me her thinking on the subject: "Do you want to be right, or you want to be happy?" It became mine.

Here are some tips to be happier ...

Be more appreciative:
Every single little sign of happiness helps. Learn to recognize and appreciate them for what they are.

Forgiveness:
Do not stay mad. Do not nurture anger. Do not go to bed pissed off.

Concentrate on the verb to be:
To be and to be alive. Not only breathing, but living.
Everything is moving too fast and by always running, we end up forgetting the essential: The euphoria of inertia. Learn to give yourselves time ... to do nothing. This is not losing your time, it is time well invested to think, dream, meditate, be.

Now:
Now time. Not dreaming of what it was, or what it could be; just breathe in your life now.
Breathe deeply.
Stop thinking too much, too much mental work ... all the time can be burdensome. Do not try to plan everything. Leave some room for unexpectedness.

Attitude:
See and recognize every little moments of happiness.
Happiness is a choice, not a goal.
As I read: Put on your pink glasses and start hunting for happiness.

Learn to say thank you:
You can say it, write it, show it, but do it!

Be there:
The more we give, the better we feel.

List your little moments of joy:
Write down, everyday, week or month, 3 things that you should be grateful for.

Now, go and be happy my friends.

Reference: Châtelaine

Responsibilities

I read

Tout le monde devrait être élevé au sein d'une grande famille! C'est la meilleure façon d'apprendre que la liberté vient avec les responsabilités.

Réal Bossé, Coup de Pouce Juin 2011

I translate:

Everyone should be raised in a big family! This is the best way to learn that freedom comes with responsibilities.

... therefore, I think!

Among the thousands of impulses, desires, cravings and temptations which constantly beset us, few are as passionate and compelling that the desire for freedom. Freedom is a state of mind. Moreover, it is a state so essential to human existence that without it the fabric of our lives would be devoid of quality, color and texture.

Thinkers ponder and probe the meaning of freedom. Leaders call for its power to inspire people. The masses rise up, fight and die for it.

If you've done something wrong - and that you later regret - then you believe in free will. If you have ever thought that a criminal deserves to be punished - despite the socio-economic factors which it was submitted - then you believe in free will.  And if you happen not to shout at your children, because they left their rooms a mess, then you certainly believe in free will!

When we begin to consider life as a continuous process of choice and responsibility, we cannot escape the reality that life is often difficult. That's the way it is. Accepting it is the first step that should enable us to overcome our reluctance and to make choices, despite the suffering they entail.

The second step is to realize the satisfaction that our tenacity will bring. We all know that the achievements that have enriched our lives the most, have only been possible thanks to the efforts we have provided through the discomfort we endured and the difficult decisions we have taken.

Action ; reaction.

References: Lamed

Bad behaviors on a plane

I read

- Let's go talk to him.

- We know how you are. You are as subtle as a fucking chainsaw.

Casino Jack - movie

... therefore, I think!

I've heard these lines while watching the movie Casino Jack on a flight going to Europe.

I just burst laughing ... maybe too loud, a total lack of subtlety.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a pair of headset on your ears ... you just get into your own little bubble and lose any sense of manners for your neighbors? In this case it was not too bad because it was at the beginning of the flight and nobody was yet sleeping, but there are other instances when I think to myself what are these people thinking? that they are in their living room?

Different travelers, different behaviors.

Who has not ever have the neighbor that decided that he had adopted you and think that it is OK to chit chat with you for 5 hours. You can try putting your headset on ... it does not seem to stop the person ... he/she just talk louder making sure that you hear everything.

Another one? The woman traveling with 1-2 kids. One of them is just babbling ... bla bla bla ... eventually you get use to it, it becomes a background noise ... what I cannot get used to is the mother !

Mother: Shhhhhhhhhhh , stop it, stop it now.

             Will you just stop it?

             Shut up! Shut up now!

Over and over and over again ... that is not background noise, it is just annoying.

That's when they don't decide to kick your seat.

I could suggest to handcuff and gag them, but if we rehearse getting out of a house on fire, we should also play plane in the kitchen the week before departing ... making them understand what little room means. Just a thought.

More? The guy that keep clearing his throat ... you are expecting him at any moment to spit in the middle aisle. Once you think he is done ... nooooooooo he starts snorting! and I will spare you the following ...

One should not forget the one that keep complaining ... too hot, too cold, food, light, delays, name it they will not stop.

... there is also the one that cannot get up easily. MY SEAT is NOT a stand. If you have to get out of your seat for any reason, please do NOT grab the headrest of the seat in front of you for leverage.

Unfortunately nothing can be done for the smelly seatmate! Bad breath is one, if you know you have this problem, make sure you have some mints or gum ... I do not need to smell your morning breath when you are going to wake up. A shower the day you are going to board a flight may not be a luxury either. Ladies, go easy on the perfume. I love perfume, I always wear some but I kinda believe that it should not be a room deodorizer either. 

What ever happens to you on a plane ... keep your calm, remain polite. What goes around; comes around. As for the parents, they are probably more annoyed than you are with their kids behavior and just remember when you deplane ... they will be gone for YOU ...

Have a nice flight!

Great people

I read

All you need is love...
or
It's a beautiful morning ...

or
You've got a friend ...

... therefore, I think!

How do you know you are working with the right people?

Well, one good answer is when you do not have such a good week and your new employee of only few weeks comes to your office all chirpy telling you that you look good today. She takes care of stuff you don't have time to and then phones you to tell you: "Go at the front door ... trust me ... you'll be happy."

You trust her so you go ...
and find out that she has ordered you flowers to put a big nice smile on your face !!!
That's when your week suddenly turns into a great one!
Thanks AP.

Summer Holidays

I read

Car n'oublions pas, on devient ce à quoi on pense le plus souvent.

I translate:

And don't forget, we become what we think about most.

Ma vie de Groupie, Chantal Peticlerc, Châtelaine, May 2011

... therefore, I think!

In 1970, Quebec legislated an annual holiday for the construction industry and the holiday came into effect officially in the summer of 1971. Many Quebecers outside the construction industry also take their holidays during these two weeks, and it is the busiest time of year for the province's tourism industry, with a surge of up to 40% in activity at some sites. This period started last Friday, July 22nd.

Use this time wisely, replenish your batteries.

Sometimes, we need vacations from our vacations.

Doing nothing is also good.

All year long, we work like crazy.

Busy, busy bees … sometimes too much.

How do we arrive at the summer vacations so tired?

What is pushing us to work so hard, so much?

The problem of overwork is complex and can somewhat only be explained by demanding bosses to consenting employees. And why do we accept this?

Some reasons are externals to us and others we have some control over.

External:

- External demands: requirements: your boss, customers, colleagues.

- Work load

- Quality of your work

- Deadlines: too tight

- Corporate culture

YOU

- Your own requirements: are you a perfectionist and you are never happy with your own work?

- Negative thoughts: are you always thinking the worse?

- Lack of self-confidence

We often put more pressure on ourselves than what really comes from external factors. We have no control over the first ones (external), but nothing forces us to suffer from the last three.

However, if you cannot control the external factors, you can manage them. For example, we can verify our perception of the request. It is possible that are just adding some non-imposed stress, giving ourselves deadlines that are too tight or unrealistic. It is for us to recognize that we cannot do everything that is required (if it does not make sense) ... and yes, we can reject and / or propose a new schedule. Although, it is always a good idea to come up with plan B to your boss and not just answering mindlessly: no, I will not do the job.

We also need to protect the time we have. It is sometimes necessary to say no. When the schedule is too full, we cannot just add to it without cancelling or rescheduling something.

We often talk about positive thinking ... but it's true. We must stop the self-destruction that we create by refuting our negative thoughts. No, the sky will not fall if a project is postponed or is not perfect.

These 5 reasons should not be receivable to work too much:

1. The desire to succeed at all cost: keep a balances life.
2. The consuming passion for your work: yes, you are successful and hard work has probably contributed to it, but do not obsess with it. Are you in a catch 22, praise vs work?
3. The need to feel appreciated: you have trouble saying no and you always tend to do a little more than the client application? Your employer may appreciate your dedication, but it could also lead you to overwork. If you are afraid of disappointing your boss or your clients, learn how to affirm and build your confidence. This will allow you better respect and uphold your personal boundaries
4. Perfectionism: people are often anxious perfectionists. This may be your case if you tend to exaggerate all the possible consequences of an error or omission. Therefore, you may have trouble delegating. However, controlling and managing every detail of a project can become exhausting over time. Learn to assign tasks to others, because it is by delegating one learns to trust. By transferring some of your responsibilities to others, surely you will feel some relief.
5. The competitive business environment: some workplaces value surpassing oneself and the spirit of competition by offering incentives such as performance bonuses or commissions. Stop comparing yourself to others. Give yourself the right to take time off for illness and not always be "Employee of the Month."

On this note, I wish you all the best on your summer vacations. Mine will be in August ...

Source: Coup de Pouce, Jobboom

Bicycling to a date

I read

La bicyclette a contribué à renforcer la diversité génétique chez les travailleurs ruraux, en triplant leur rayon d'action en matière de recherche de partenaires durant leur jour de repos hebdomadaire. Ceci fut un facteur de réduction de la consanguinité en milieu rural.

I translate:

The bicycle has helped to strengthen the genetic diversity among rural workers, triplingtheir range in search of partners during their weekly day of rest. This was a factor in reducing inbreeding in rural areas.

... therefore I think!

Quebecers are almost all cousins, but most of them do not even know it. They will have to do an extensive genealogical research to find the ancestor they have in common. Often they will find a very distant ancestor, one which could cause very little risk to the offspring of two "pure laine" Quebecers (Quebec-born) who would have fallen in love.

Until recently, 95% of all people from Québec had at least one common ancestor. This was mainly true in the region of Charlevoix, Saguenay and Iles-de-la-Madeleine (Gaspésie). The French colonists who came New France (Canada) were mainly from Paris, Île-de-France and the French provinces of Aunis, Brittany, Normandy, Picardy, Poitou and Saintonge, while settlers of Acadia were populated mainly from the provinces of Anjou, Maine and Touraine. In addition, the "Filles du Roi" were from Ile-de-France, the provinces with the largest contribution to this movement were Normandy, Aunis, Poitou, Champagne, Picardy, Orléans, and Beauce. Only Alsace, Auvergne, Bourbonnais, Dauphine, Provence, Languedoc, Roussillon, Béarn, Gascony and the County of Foix seem not to have participated. Pleasance or the colony of Newfoundland were founded by the Basques in south-western France. Louisiana and North Bay were mainly populated by settlers already established in New France.

So I had to go back way back in time to continue ...

Close inbreeding has remained very rare in the Quebec of the past, even though husband and wife were often from the same parish.

In fact, marriage between cousins was discouraged and even forbidden by the Church. The Church was forbidding marriages for those spouses that were related. It must be said here that Quebec is/was predominantly Catholic and that all marriage licenses were registered and archived, only the priests could bless a marriage. However, it could happen that a couple requests a waiver to marry if the were related. With a monetary exemption, a couple could circumvent the ban (and I imagine be told that they would not have any problems with X chromosomes ...) All religious exemptions were recorded in the archives of the Archbishop of Quebec (and then transferred the civil archives).

No data were inventoried before 1885, until it became mandatory for clergy to report annual information to the bishop. We will remember that canon law requires an exemption for consanguineous marriages up to 6th degree inclusively. Before 1917, it was to the 8th generation.

So in conclusion, should we count our blessing in Quebec to not have more "defects"? ... and before you say anything ... I have to fess up ... my paternal grand-parents ... they were cousins -- first generation. So maybe to not have had children is a blessing in disguised for humanity! I am SO considerate!!!

Source: Guajara, Le Devoir

No scalpel for Turcotte

I read

This is a court of law, not a court of justice.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

... therefore, I think!

I could not, not talk about this.

In 2009, a Quebec cardiologist from Piedmont, QC (in the Laurentians) was charged with two-counts of first degree murder in the death of his two young children, Olivier 5 yrs old, and Anne-Sophie 3 yrs old.

Yesterday came with the conclusion of the 10-weeks trial where the jury composed of seven women and four men rendered their decision. They had four choices (Turcotte had already pleaded guilty):

• Guilty of first-degree murder
• Guilty of second-degree murder
• Guilty of manslaughter, or
• Not criminally responsible due to mental illness at the moment of the murder

The verdict was what no one was expecting ... Not criminally responsible due to mental illness at the time of the murder ... there is really no justice. 

I would just like to ask : how and why?

I do not have any answers. I had stated to right down some thoughts, opinions but none made sense. I do not know how a person can kill coldly his own flesh ... and truly I think I prefer to not understand. I prefer to not have to understand.

My thoughts are going to the mother that is left with ... this.

She wants to put this behind her and move forward ... she shall respect her even if the jurors decision  does not make sense to anyone ... What can we say, the guy had a brain fart for a brief moment ... should I mention that the brief moment was long enough to have time to drink methanol, and stab his son 27 times and his daughter 19 times. Yes, you read right.

... unbelievably, the decision has not yet been made by the College des Médecins du Quebec as to know if the Doc will be able to operate again one day ... between you and I ... I would be afraid the guy has another episode while performing an open heart surgery  ! I would not want to have him close to me with a scalpel, but that's just my personal opinion and ... before I get a lawsuit, not a judgement on the guy.

The full S**T click here

The same and more of it

I read

You used to be able to tell a person's nationality by the face. Immigration ended that. Next you discerned nationality by the foot wear. Globalization ended that. Those Finnish seal puppies, those German flounders - you don't see them much anymore. Only Nikes, on Basque, on Dutch, on Siberian feet.

Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides

... therefore, I think!

That is exactly what I was discussing while in Europe.

It seems, as in the picture, that now Dutch Shoes are more used as decoration, a souvenir of a not so far past.

Nowadays, everyone eats, wears, listens, drives the same thing.

Listen to this one. The night I left Montreal was to be the last Stanley Cup Game between Boston and Vancouver. (I will not discuss here which team I was rooting for but let's say that I felt closer to Boston; it's that rivalry thing that makes me go for Boston when Montreal is no longer in the finals ...) So it's 6am in Zurich, I have just came out of the plane, I am walking toward the rental car office and what do I hear over the speakers (radio), German German German ... Boston ... German German German ... Stanley Cup. Unbelievable! 5 minutes after landing, I knew who had won the Stanley cup.

I arrive at the Avis desk; not Eurocar, no no I can have any major car rental companies. The young clerk answer me in English (part French) wearing RayBan reading glasses! I get in the car, a Ford! Turn on the radio Fergie, followed by Lady Gaga, etc. I enter my destination in the Garmin GPS ... I drive to Zurich passing McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Subway, Pizza Hut ... drinking Coca-Cola, people smoking Marlboro (and DO THEY SMOKE in Europe) ...

Traveling to industrialized countries, you really have to go out of your way to get a local flavor !

Not impossible, but sometimes not that obvious.

In the next few days, weeks I will share with you my trip to Europe: Switzerland, France and Germany. Show some pictures , share great stories (I think). 

Difficult to be young

I read

Comment espérer devenir adulte à une époque où tout contribue à vous maintenir dans une adolescence prolongée. Nicolas Langelier, Décember 2010

I translate: 

How can we hope to become an adult in an era where everything contributes in keeping you in a prolonged teenager state.

... therefore, I think!

So who is young and who is not anymore?

The time of life we call Youth ...

The American Heritage Dictionary defines youth as:

The time of life between childhood and maturity.

So are we all in agreement with the childhood period ... we can easily define it.

But maturity ... wow, that's a different story all together.

Statistically you are "young" as in youth between the age of 18 and 34.

And when do we become mature??

I am guessing that one day a switch just turn to on and we have innate knowledge!

You go to bed one night all innocent and wake up the next morning ... an adult? A mature person? What has happened? You finished school? got your fist paycheck? bought a house? got married? What is THE thing that suddenly gives you the right to become an adult?

With your new title, you feel important for maybe 48 hours ... that's until you realize that it is not as rosy as you had expected. 

• A house = a mortgage
• A diploma = finding a job
• A job = waking up in the morning 
• A spouse = making concessions
• Children = yes, they do wake up in the middle of the night ... about the same time you were used to go to bed
• Paycheck = income tax

I can go on and on and on ... 

Reality is that some will mature faster than others, and some will never ... but who really cares? 

Reference: Revue RND

Parked? Where?

 I read

A care home nurse stuffed a plastic apron into a 99-year-old woman's mouth as punishment for being noisy at lunch time, a hearing was told.

Anne Fisk ordered the vulnerable pensioner to 'shut up' after screwing up the disposable apron into a ball and forcing it into her mouth, it is claimed.

The Nursing and Midwifery Council heard that Fisk force-fed another 91-year-old patient who had trouble swallowing her food.

Fisk allegedly left the frail pensioner sobbing when she forced several mouthfuls of meat into her mouth.

... 

But Fisk still gave her several spoons of food, which she then regurgitated before being admonished by the nurse, the hearing was told. The resident has since died.

Care hoe policy was that nurses and care staff were not allowed to make residents eat against their own wishes.

Fisk was suspended after the allegations came to light and later sacked, the committee was told.

Daily Mail UK

... therefore, I think!

One day, I came to realize that I was not afraid of heights, but in fact I was afraid of falling ... I can climb, climb, climb ... and suddenly I choke and cannot move. It can happen anytime without any warning. 

Standing facing Half Dome

For example, one day I was in Yosemite on top of North Dome facing Half Dome. I was looking at what was in front of me and could not believe what I was seeing; it was so beautiful. I could see down in  the valley, water falls, trees ... and I was so high. At that moment, I was really on top of the world, my world. It was such a nice day. 

I took a short walk, I the edge of a cliff of the mountain where it would be so easy to lose foot and fall, fall, fall ... but nothing happened. I was NOT afraid at all. Of course I was careful to not slip but never it came to mind that it was high and that I should be afraid. At that moment, I thought WOW! I do not have that stupid fear of height any more ! Yippie!

That's not the point ... but the view is no nice
I wanted to share.

So after 2 nights in the middle of nowhere camping on rocks, we came down in the valley. The following day, we were meeting a friend of ours and decided to go for an "easy" walk in the wood. So hop we go. 

My favorite camping spot !

We had been walking for few hours and were on our way back to the car ... about 500m walk, cross a river and 150m and we were there. So we arrive at the river and start crossing on a large tree trunk (and when I say large, it was not a little one ... almost as 45cm wide) about 30 cm above the river ... in fact, it was more a little stream, maybe 30-60cm deep. 

I am the second to go ... I arrive at mid-point, look in front of me, almost there; I look back, our friend is ready to to start crossing ... and now I look down ... MISTAKE ... I saw the the water moving (normal it is a freaking river ...) in a flash, I could no longer move. It was not rational at all. I was afraid to fall and drown ... I look ahead, my boyfriend is telling me to move, I look back at our friend, he is waiting that I move to start crossing. My feet are refusing to move.

In my head, it is so not logical but I did not know what to do anymore. By now, more people are waiting for me to move, my boyfriend is getting impatient, people are wondering what is happening, and I am still in the middle of the river, not moving but now crying. 

Eventually, someone thought of telling me to sit down ... the panic kinda diminished and I was able to cross ... sitting down, inch by inch ... but I made it.

So by now, you are wondering what's the link ??? Well, Missy, the cat of one of my friends, was dying. She was just, old. She did not seem to be suffering but she was no longer eating. She had to be fed with a syringe. My friend was trying as much as she can to make her last days as comfortable as possible ... and when that happens, we cannot but think of our family, our friends, and ourselves ... eventually us going through that phase of life ... which is dying.

But Yosemite had thought me something. As I told you last week, things are not always as they seem. 

Are you afraid of dying? I am not. In fact, I am no longer I should say because few years back I've realized that like height and falling, I was not afraid of dying but to be old in diapers, parked in a wheelchair in front of a window waiting to die and be fed with a syringe.